The Zombie Blogger’s Manual

So you survived the zombie apocalypse. Well, survived is too polite a word. You continue to exist despite the carnage of the world around you. Good for you! But wait, there’s more! You not only overcame the rotting flesh and constant hunger for brains to form coherent thought, but you have made you way onto the world wide web and fancy yourself an up and coming blogger. Well, my fellow zombie friend, you have a few bumps in the road ahead of you, especially if you want to make a living (pardon the pun) out of this gig. Here are some things you may need to remember:

Blogging is hard work – This is no elementary school you have stumbled into here, with cringing, screaming children just waiting to be eaten. No, think of this as more of a battleground. A wide plain filled with not only warm flesh ready to be bitten but also hordes of other zombies out there trying to reach the same warm blood. There are even a few well-armed warm bloods waiting in the wings to blow your brains out and send you to the grave, permanent like. You have to be crafty and think fast to make it here.

Get moving – Speaking of thinking fast, you will have to move at more than a shuffle to make it in the blogging world. I know you are used to plodding your way along, slow and steady like, and that is good. That shows persistence. But we all know that taking that first step, digging your way out of that grave, is always the hardest thing to accomplish. There will never be a better time than now to get started, so do not wait for the second rising. Get blogging right away. Even if you do not feel prepared. Remember how helpless and brainless you felt when you first rose up and had no idea how to kill a warm blood and eat its brain? The same idea goes for blogging. It is only through doing that you will really learn.

Zombie Writer

Choose your platform – The warm bloods that first started this blogging thing were a chaotic sort. Not at all like us zombies. We prefer things simple. But when it comes to blogging you have a lot of choices to make. You need to pick a blogging platform that suits your needs. Have a lot of recordings of groans and screams or photos of slaughter? Try Tumblr. Just want to write and keep it simple? Try WordPress or Blogger. Or you can go your own way and strike out into uncharted territory. It is really up to you. Just know that whichever platform you choose will determine your content and your audience so think before you amble forward.

Brains! I mean… passion – We are not the unfeeling monsters that warm bloods think we are. Sure, we feel little to no remorse when we kill them and eat their brains, but the rush of energy that we get from consuming their brains is as close to ecstasy as anyone has ever gotten. Funnel that passion into what you write. If you want to write about brains than, sure, you can do that. But try to find a niche of your own that shows your passion for your topic. After all, if other zombies do not see your passion in the text then why will they keep reading? We have enough moaning and groaning without you adding to the chorus. If you do not feel nearly as much passion for your blog topic as you do consuming brains then just give up now and go back to your grave.

Names are important – We all know that what we call ourselves becomes a part of us. That is why we are careful not to call ourselves dead or corpses. We are zombies and proud of it. It does not make us any less human then the warm bloods. Just colder. And hungrier. Mmm, brains… Anyway, back to my point. When you create your blog make sure you pick a good name for it. None of this foolish number and letter combo jargon. Just keep it simple and easy for readers to remember. You know what terrible memories us zombies have, so do not make it any harder on us. Both the URL and the blog name itself should be memorable. If they match then more’s the better. Try to avoid common things like BrainsRUs and EatMoreBrains. Get creative and be one of a kind.

Titles make the post – Remember what I said about names being important? Well, blog post titles are like that too. To grab a zombie’s attention you need a catchy title. Titles are the first thing any reader will see, so this is your opportunity to get them hooked. Try to include commonly searched terms for the best effect. You can also use name recognition to get additional interest. Instead of something boring and general like “Tasty Recipes” you could use something fun and interesting and searchable like “10 Ways Zombie Martha Stewart Makes Brains Taste Even Better”. Try to keep your title under ten words or it gets too long and remember that people like numbers, so use them if you can.

Short and simple – eating all those brains should be good for our attention span but, alas, it is not. Just like warm bloods, zombie readers have the attention span of a dying gnat. Keeping your blog posts short and simple is the best idea. If you cannot summarize your blog post in a sentence or two then it is too long. Break up a long post into a post series and you will be better off. No one wants to scroll through pages and pages of your text. You should also break up your blog posts into short paragraphs of around three to five sentences each. Break it up further with headers so readers know what each section is about. This will help keep them reading longer without getting confused or bored.

Lists are brainy – As I said before, readers like numbers. They help us to know before we click how long a blog post is going to be. A list of seven is short; a list of seventy five is long.  A blog post list is a great way to get readers into your site. Readers can scan the list and then read deeper if they feel like it is applicable to them. A list post is the likeliest to be read of any type of post out there.

Picture perfect – Not all zombies have eaten enough brains to read very well, so keep those guys in mind. But even those of us with college level reading skills still enjoy a good picture. We are visual people and a photo can capture our interest faster than any text. Try to get photos that are interesting to readers, like brains or blood or body parts. You should also make sure your photo fits the blog post. If you are talking about arms then do not show me a picture of brains! That’s just false advertisement.

No one is perfect – Last but not least remember that no one is perfect, not even zombies. We still make mistakes and eat the wrong person or take a bit out of a fellow zombie. Do not let mistakes get you down. Instead learn from them and become a better blogger. Remember what doesn’t blow your brains out doesn’t kill you, so don’t sweat the small stuff.

Hopefully I have given you some insight into how to become a great zombie blogger. It is mostly trial and error, but the faster you get started the better you will do. Remember to work hard, eat lots of brains and stay passionate!

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By Jack Meyers

Jack Meyers is a regular contributor for As a detective he wants to spread the knowledge of terrible things that can happen when people don’t fully verify the credentials of a caregiver or any employee. He also writes for various law enforcement blogs and sites.

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